IN DESPARATE NEED OF HELP: IS THERE A CURE?

I’ve noticed in the last month I’ve been going through some changes; mentally and physically.

I believe it started when I was in Korea. Everyday I would go to the transition center to work on resumes and apply for jobs. Just about everyday I went a man would ask me out. I would always reply, “I’m about to get out of the Army. I fly September 17th.”

These men didn’t seem to care that I was leaving Korea or that they had months before they would be able to leave Korea for their next duty station, and in one case, retirement. They would still ask me for my phone number, email address, etc even after I told them flat out that I wasn’t interested in getting to know them.

Then the day my mom picks me up from the airport she says, “Dangee Pumpkin! You’ve got hips now!”

Yes, I’ve gained weight, and apparently it looks really nice, or so I’ve been told.

Now, I’m a person that believes if you pay attention to signs, you will be able to see what’s in the near future. Well the signs are telling me that I’m suffering from Nesting Syndrome, and eventually, despite my resistance to long term commitments, I will indeed be getting married in the next year. *gagging*

1. Men, much older men, keep asking me out. I tell them I’m not interested but they don’t seem to want to get lost. They ask me questions like, “Do you have a man? Do you want to get married someday? How do you feel about children?”
My answers: “No. No. I think they smell.”

2. Hormonal Changes. I’m convinced my body’s been emitting a pheromone that drives men crazy, hence the constant harassment. I’ve also developed child-bearing hips and my breasts are slightly larger. Bye, bye girlish figure! I know what you’re thinking, maybe she’s pregnant. I assure you, that’s not a possibility because when the opportunity to have sex presented itself, I turned into the Shavinator.


3. I love baby-like creatures, like puppies, and I’m starting to think children are sort of cute and they’re starting to have a sweet smell to them.

In all honesty, I’m convinced I’m a part of some kind of twisted experiment of Army. They’ve been pumping me with all kinds of drugs the last four years knowing that I would eventually get out someday. Now that I no longer have access to these drugs, I’m my body’s going through all these changes and I have no way to stop it. This is why I need your help. If you have a cure for Nesting Syndrome, or know of a way to control it, please let me know. My entire existence as a very youthful 322 month old is at stake.