On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were fill with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him.” Mark 4:35-41 (ESV)
I haven’t been able to keep a clear mind for the past couple of days. Last night really sent me over the edge. My Bible study topic was Mark 4:26-41. In particular, we discussed the storm the disciples experienced while Jesus slept on the boat. The tossing boat on the sea and the wind did not wake Jesus but terrified the apostles to the point where they felt the need to wake Jesus.
I haven’t had a storm yet. There have been times where what I’ve experienced would have appeared to be a storm. In fact, I’ve met people who’ve been through similar experiences and to them, the situations were unbearable. My reaction was like that of driving a little too fast over a speed bump and feeling jostled inside my truck. It was uncomfortable but I kept driving on being a little more cautious of my speed when approaching next speed bump.
I cried and I hate crying. It’s one of my most embarrassing reactions to something emotional because my nose tends to do more shedding of fluid than my eyes. It happened nonetheless and I received great support and encouragement from the women in my Bible study group.
But it was just the thought of the inevitable storm that I will experience that had me upset. My mom is leaving for a cruise tomorrow and I began to worry about her safety because she will be cruising through the Caribbean, where I had read a news story about Hurricane Rina. Was this going to be my storm? I certainly hope not but the thought of something happening to my mom was upsetting.
I did get something out of the lecture that I will hold onto if I ever experience my storm, faith will not get me out of the storm, but it will get me through it.
Then there was the doubts in my head about my ability to accomplish the things I want to do in my life. I had been praying to God for answers about the direction my life was taking. I’m not particularly happy with my job. I hate the commute and though the people are nice, I don’t care for their outlook on life. Striving for mediocrity is not what I want to do. The strive for perfection and exceptionality is more desirable.
So I got it in my head that I would go to beauty school to get my esthetician license. But when the funding finally came through, the school I had chosen no longer offered night classes. With no other schools in the area to cater to daytime place schedule, I will have to go with the plan I already have and just make it work. Or shall I say work the plan.
I went to someone’s retirement potluck today at the daytime place. It was a good day for someone who’s put in all those years, but it immediately got me thinking about all the answers God had given me from the questions I had asked to him in my prayers. Beauty school would only distract me, so that door was closed. The door that’s been open to me, I haven’t yet walked through because of my fear of rejection. I hate it when people say ‘NO’ to me, but if I’m going to work my plan, then I will have to get used to hearing it.
Rejection has been absolutely terrifying. Though I find it easy to be outgoing when I’m at work and around people I know, I’m sad to say that I’m not as friendly when I’m in setting where I don’t know a soul. The only way to get over this is to continually place myself in situations where I don’t know anyone.
I just need to act now, so that I won’t pay later.
